When we Swam in Sunshine

(for R, J.)

Last night, across the miles, she took me there.
On the spiritual plane, we transcended form

we passed through the world of body on a beam of silvery light
flew over that cove of water,
where we were once mermaid and merman together

and I embraced you, trembling.
We did not need words to know what had to be completed.

Where we could not be together physically, our bodies took form in another way
we each held the other’s body in our arms and rocked together, out there, in the place that has no name, the formless place.

Facilitated by this medium- this witchy woman- who was embarrassed to be there, seeing what she was seeing
she held the space for us and we came together.

I came to you, waiting for me there, as if you had called me; and you entered me so easily and we were joined in a holy communion,
your body inside me, the way it never was.

Spiritual synergy, as one we became what was meant by the world, in that sunny cove
under a vast blue sky in the green water, waist-deep; slippery rocks under our feet and
the rocks towering above us on either side were our spirit guides, holding us in that sacred space.

What we could not let ourselves have, we had.

Our spirit-hearts joined and our bodies melted into each other in that warm soup, that water which was formless, that warm/cool place

Which is before time, before birth, and after everything.

Now I know that I will always have you,
even though I cannot have you.

She's trying

She’s trying

Trying not let the shoulds get in the way of her heart’s truthful singing.
Trying not to walk away when the walking away is the hardest thing, but perhaps the most right thing. 
Maybe the staying is the hardest thing and the walking away will be easy.
She’s not fooled by this line of thinking. It will be hard. No way around that. But sometimes the hard way is the right way. 

She’s trying to be sorry that she found a new, better way to love and be loved. 
But she is not sorry. Her heart is singing now. She can’t quiet that song.

No, scratch that. She is sorry. More sorry than he will know, because his hurt will scream and it will drown out the apology that she feels he deserves. 
It will be the thing that overtakes the conversation and it will be the thing that gets thrown back

In her heart. In her face. She is afraid of the hurt that she will cause and she is afraid of 
her heart singing true. She is afraid to let herself be loved in the new way, although she already is, and it feels so amazing and light, like 1000 angelic voices singing in her soul. 

She is fearful to walk into the new light when she knows that the old habits are the thing 
that are breaking them. She is so afraid to let go of the past. Of the future that never was.

But she knows now that it is the right thing. She just keeps writing it down and then she can’t say it to him. She tries and then she can’t hurt him. Only she knows now that she is hurting him anyway.

Tonight she needs to say it. They have an appointment to talk about things. 
He thinks they are going to talk and solve their problems. She thinks it will take years of her life to solve these problems and she doesn’t want to spent it that way. 

She doesn’t want to spend her life solving someone else. Or being somone’s problem to solve.

She looks at the pictures that he took, of the event they attended together. All of his pictures are of another her. She does not begrudge him the new happiness but it stings. It hurts like a hammer hitting her in the stomach, to see his beautiful pictures of this “her” who is not her. 

She thinks, he never looked at me like that. He never aimed his camera at me

Like that. 

His eyes never saw the beauty that I possess on the outside. She knows he saw her true beauty. The internal souls-shining beauty. But that was not enough.