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Monday, March 2, 2015

Ant Poem

Curled against the smooth shape of your body
one month after we break up
It feels so comfortable and good and I wonder why we had to
end things.
I see an ant carrying more than its body weight and I remember that
was how I felt most of the time when we were together.

That night I brought you home after reading
the sex poem about you at the Queer open mic
and I made you come so hard you left a sweat stain in the shape of
your body on my bed,
we had to change the sheets before we went to sleep
and in the morning you asked me to breakfast
and over crepes you asked me if I thought I had made a mistake
breaking up with you.
Looking over my decaf latte, my heart lurched a little into my throat
and as I gulped it down I said “No.”
“Do you mean because of that poem I wrote?”
and you nodded, “Yeah.”
I said no again, and then I told you about the ant, carrying more
than its share of the weight,
and you sighed that heavy sigh
and even though I could not see your eyes behind your sunglasses
I believed that your sigh breathed the relief that I felt.
You put your hand so kindly, so softly on my upper arm and you said,
“I felt like that too.”
And then it was my turn to sigh a heavy breath of release.

Then you said “That’s why in that letter I wrote you
I said that line- ‘We tried. Goddamn Did we try.’”
And then we both just sat there
nodding at each other
in mutual
Until I started to cry.
One big, movie-style tear, just rolling down my face, slowly.
You joked, “Are those happy tears?”
And I shook my head no,
and said, “These are because I am feeling again
just how HEAVY that felt and how HEAVY our relationship was.
I weighed too much. You needed so much
and I am sorry. I’m sorry that I needed more but I did.”
And you said, “I’m sorry too.”
And I chuckled at how, one month later we are still sleeping
together and we’re still spending hours processing
that we’re still sleeping together--
“Is this okay for you/do you have expectations/I don’t have expectations/but I want to be
sure that I don’t start to get them by accident/I mean by default/I mean we are lesbians after all,”
And everyone knows how much we like to process shit
and how women can’t have sex with no strings
and how our emotions, tied up with the moons and the tides
can’t ever just be simple. And I’m okay with that.
Because we’re on the same page.
Maybe two sides of the same coin.
And I still fucking love you

and you can’t just turn that shit off.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Primordial Soup- Journey to Aravaipa

Caterpillar soup, she said
Dark night of the soul, Medicine woman,
Priestess, Goddess, Serpent,
Listen, Listen. 
Grandmothers swirling
Listen, Listen.
Mariposa vine, butterfly, sacred Mother,
Listen, Listen.
Daughter, breasts milkfull, sits on top of 
full moon, holding child to her bosom,
water, wolf medicine, serpent
Listen, Listen.  

Lodge, holding us, 
in its heat, sound swells up like
heartbeat, close in
we beat together,
release together
pray together
Making offerings through
melodic voices, 
chant, yell, whoop, howl, let go, 
make new.

Circle at fire, arms to the heavens, 
listen to heartsong.
Listen, Listen. 
holding hands, we try to send 
our otherworldly guest to her celestial 
In the quiet of the night, 
we wash each other's hands
with salt
symbolizing we are all the same,

Journeying, I am given salt, 
milk, flour, Grandmother wipes hands on apron,
Hair tied up in braids,
and I am given a yellow apron the next day by 
my yellow-haired pie-sister.

Sisters, we travel
to this magical land 
and make it even more sacred
with our ceremony, 
our communion, 
prayers, gifts, love, 
offerings. Mountain watches over 
each day and night, 
soundly, quietly
while river rushes by, washing away any 
remnants we no longer need.

Each of us stands
taller now, 
more in our own power.
(Stand in your power, Woman)
Listen, Listen
As we return back from where we came
not one the same 
as when we started
the Journey.

Gratitude swells, 
Listen, Listen. 

Friday, September 19, 2014


I am crumbling
So let me crumble.
That which I was
trying to be was
never going to be enough.
I have stepped into the
fire and I am
at the well
asking for just one
of water.

I have walked to the tree as many times
as I can handle
blowing my whistle.
Eagle cry--
I spread my eagle arms
to the Great Mystery
and I ask to take
one drink.
One rest.
One step.
I know that what I need now
is rest.

I know that I push myself too hard
in the wrong directions.
I am done with the pushing.
I am finished
belaboring the point.
I stand at your sacred feet
and let your waterfall love
wash over my face.

I cup my hands under your
sacred spring
and let the fresh life-giving
liquid spill onto me.

I Surrender.
I Surrender.
I Surrender.

Say it three times and
it might become true

A magic spell.
I am already enough,
Dear Spirit,
Let my sacred compassion
fill my cup now.

Let me, Great mystery,
recognize the parts of me that
are you,
that are enough,
Let my Self well up
with an eternal spring
of joy and love
Free from self-recrimination.
Let me see that I am.
That I am.
That I am.
I am you.

Let me see the truth of who I am.
Let me be washed free
and the anchor let loose,
falling down to the 
bottomless depths.

Let me lift up to join you,
sacred union.
Let me be free of fear
and free of the parts of me
that hold on too tightly.
Let me trust love now.  


Thursday, September 18, 2014


The golden-haired girl and the singing children

Matteo said they would guide me to the next step.
Hair like Lyra, I imagine, long and flaxen,

But what if it’s not that way at all? What if she
is not a child,
or what if my inner child

I had long golden locks when I was small.
And what of the singing children?

Could there be something as simple
as Sesame Street
“Sunny Days,
Everything’s A-OK.”

And this curandera
could be Darcey. Could be
the doula
who will help me birth this next thing

I don’t have to solve anything
because it is already written.
Just play.

And know that you are being welcomed
into the dream world now.

Know that. You
no longer have to fight
in the mad world.

A letter to the Great Mystery

Let me be not afraid
Even though everything I have known
is falling away.
Let me not regret the choices I have made.
Let me remain conscious
that I had good reasons
for making them.

Let me stay mindful
in my next steps.
And let me not be afraid to walk up ladders
even when I feel that I am kicking down
with every step.

Let me be aware, Dear Spirit,
that I am following my guides
through the dark forest
and I will soon come to the place
where the ancestors meet.

Let me stride up and take my place at the table.

Dear Spirit, I know that I
have nothing to fear.
I see your kind hands, inviting me into my future.
And like a caring, confident mama bird,
You have tossed me out of the nest.
I will not tumble, Great One.
I will fly.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

The call

Even though I am in pain
I still love myself deeply and unconditionally.
Even though I have hurt someone 
I still love myself.

Spirit hear my call.
I know I have done things which
are unforgivable in someone's eyes. 
But I forgive myself.
Spirit, here, 
my call. 

I am in a deep awe of your presence

in my each day.
Even though I am in pain, 
I forgive myself. 

Spirit, hear my call. 
I love my
Spirit. Please help me to forgive. 
Hear. My call. 

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Intention (number one)

I will make time for breaks today.
I will stare out the window and attend to plants and flowers.
I will go to yoga
I will do a run at the gym, or run in the desert, or just move my body in lots of creative ways.

I will take care of me before the needs of others.
So it is.