(A
Prose Poem)
Cry for a long time. Think about how
unfair it is. Think about how much you don’t want your friend to die. Think
that you should never say the word “die” in front of her. Try to figure out
what you can post on her Facebook wall that isn’t “I don’t want you to die.”
Cry some more. Try to think of something funny to help you stop crying. Fail.
Think about how selfish you are. Think
about her two kids. Get angry. Think there is no god. Think how a god that is
supposed to be Love could make something like this happen to someone as amazing
as your friend. Cry some more.
Get up off the couch and finally tell
your girlfriend why you have been crying. Hear yourself say the words “R****
has cancer,” as you look out the window at the leaves shaking on the tree and the
unusually gray summer sky and think that this image will be forever burned on
your retinas as the first time you told someone that R**** is sick. Think again
that you don’t want her to die. (She is so young!) Think about how much she has
taught you and how she is wise beyond her years. Think about how much she has
taught you about living and resolve to do everything possible to help her.
Resolve not to be selfish and make
this about you. Recognize that this is her fight. Promise to be there for her.
Wonder what “There for her” means in this situation.
Does it mean taking care of her kids
when she can’t? Making dinner and bringing it to her house? Driving her to
chemo treatments, holding her hand? Making her laugh through the pain? Cleaning
up vomit? Worse?
Resolve that it does not matter,
promise yourself that you’ll be there for her no matter what it takes, how
grizzly it gets.
Go outside. Take deep breaths.
Dig in the dirt. Lift heavy things and
throw them around the yard until you are exhausted and sweaty and covered in
dirt.
Be grateful that you are healthy. Feel
guilty for being healthy. Realize that it’s ridiculous to feel guilty for your
own gratitude, promise not to waste any more energy on guilt.
Drink some tea. Care for yourself.
Make crepes with Nutella and bananas and bake bread. Eat two servings of each.
Wonder if you should bring some to her. Think that you should probably be
bringing her green juices and turmeric supplements and an all-raw diet.
Promise yourself that you will learn
everything about anti-cancer diets and bring her fresh food every day.
Worry that you should not do too much
for her or you’ll make her feel weird. Tell your son about the cancer. Feel bad
when he does not know what to say, and assure him through your tears that you
were not seeking to be comforted, even though you were. Listen as he sounds
relieved and starts piecing together words to process the shock. Words like
“Unfortunate. Unfair. Devastating.” Words like, “I’m trying not to make this
about me.” You and me both, Son.
Feel grateful that you have a son who
has grown into such a sensitive and caring young man. Feel grateful that you
have been allowed to see your child grow up. Feel grateful that your two boys
are healthy. Feel guilty. (Strike that --no more guilt.)
Hand-sew a lavender eye pillow and
think it looks like a third grader made it. Wonder if you should give it to
her. Realize she’s a yoga teacher and she probably already has 6 eye pillows.
Go to bed and watch tv with your partner. Cry some more.
Lean on your partner. Heavily. Lean on
her until she feels like she is going to break, but then remember to care for
her too.
The next day at work, Google “What to
do when someone you know has cancer.”
Resolve to rally a team of dedicated
friends and family to help your friend. Send out an email asking your mutual
friends what needs to be done. Receive responses while checking work emails. Find
out there is already a task force in place. Thank God for your community.
Wonder who would be on your task force
if it was you instead of her. Wonder how many times you will wish it was you
instead of her. Regret instantly that thought & try to banish it from your
mind. Know it is just the depression talking.
Focus on only having healing, positive
thoughts. Realize how ridiculous that is and decide to let all thoughts have
their place. Decide you will do everything possible from this day forward to make
this a life worth living. Look into doing volunteer work in Africa. Resolve to
spend less money on frivolous things so you can start saving up money to go do
said volunteer work. Resolve to spend more time with your kids and working
towards your goals. Resolve not to waste another day of your life doing
something you don’t want to do.
Realize that you are needed right
here. Right now. Realize that this is your work, to be present with your
friends and to be a mom to your kids and to be a family. Resolve not to waste
time on guilt and to remain focused in the present.
Go home, take a shower, cry. Go to
meetings and plan fundraisers.
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