No more broken woman poems

I’m done with

broken woman

poems.

I’m done with

victim

I no longer

want to have to

disclose

“What happened to me”

to new lovers

I’m done with

broken

I’m done with

shame

I reject the

notion

of unwholeness.

I become

whole. I exude full. I create

the totality of

me

I am not

what happened

I am not the

little

girl

who was violated

I am not

what he did

with his sick

desires

to my little girl

body

his sick wanting hands

exploring

unwanting

flesh

I am not

the unwelcome

penetration

of my

spirit’throat, silencing

me for years

crushing my inner

being

his mistake

does not

define me.

his sickness doesnotdefineme

does not create

any part

of my reality anymore.

I am whole

I am love

I am free

I am navigator

I am lustful

I am desirous

receiver

of strong woman

and man

hands into

my spiritbeingbody

I am lover

I am goddess

I am Her.

I am

That.

Not broken woman

Not shamed little girl

Not his secret

Not mistake.

What happened when you blew smoke into my lungs

All time stopped.

All need for holding on

to control

to keep track of things,

Disappeared.

Now I was

just

body

just

human

riding waves

to pleasure

and more pleasure

You were

Just tongue

Just safe

Just mouth

You

became an

extension of me,

my orgasm

rested in

your hands

no reason to

hold back

no hold back

i don’t even know

what hold back means

anymore.

You, suddenly inside me,

The word forms

first in my head

then, quietly

makes its way out

of my

mouth,

tiny

“Wait,”

and then

“Not yet,”

and,

miraculously, you

do.

Stop. wait. patient.

Looking at me

with eyes that say,

“What do you need?”

and

“Tell me.”’

You

kindness

I, trust.

Then more

I am leading you

now

wave after wave after wave

you in mymouth

wanting

throat open

me saying

“Not now,”

you

Perfectly

okay,

with the waiting

the holding back

the delay

of your pleasure.

Next morning,

I say

“Thank you,”

when what i mean is

for listening.

"When I said wait,"

you look baffled.

say,

“Well, Yeah.”

Look perplexed

that anyone

would not-

I don’t tell you

about the

times

they did not

wait.

Not yet.

A Dream about Lizard

I was having a real hard day.
Like, real hard. 

Did a ceremony. 
In the bath, with geranium rose eo and 
salt.

Burned my palo santo stick
from Kapaa

Played my shamanic drumming 
asked spirit to show me if there was 
something blocking me
or holding me back.

First Lizard came and showed me
about my peeling away the layers

then i asked what i needed to let go of 
and Green Lizard with
his molting head, said
let go of Not Enough
of Shame
of unloveable.

Let go of 
pain. 
Let go of 

Why me?

I felt this pain deeply, 
felt it rise to the 
surface and boil up
tears poured forth
from my eyes
and sobs 
shook my body

until I pulled it out from 
my heart and said, 
"No more!" to the
shame and the hurt
and the Not Enough
and the "unloveable."

I said goodbye to the one
who is victim 

I asked Lizard to cleanse
me
and he poured water over
my head and 
he shook his rattles 
over me and let the 
rain of his music 
rain over my body
until I was cleansed, 
and he told me to let 
the drain

Then I said, 
"Is there anyone else 
you would like to 
introduce me to?"

And Lizard said yes, 
And I could see this new 
creature peeking 
from behind a 
shadow, 
or a curtain

anyway it was blocked
and so I said, "Hello, are you shy?
You can show yourself to me

It's okay now."

And all of a sudden, 
Sloth revealed himself
with a big goofy smile

and I just started rolling
with laughter. 
I don't know what was so
funny about sloth

but he was hilarious
to little me.
He was just about
the funniest thing
I'd ever done see.

And when I was done laughing
at my new friend sloth
I asked him what I 
was meant to do? Was
there some task I needed
to perform?

And he said, yes, 
a Spirit walk

And I said, is that like
a journey? 
And he said yes. 
And I said, A 

Vision Quest, perhaps?

And he said yes, 
And I laughed again. 
"You mean like, in Costa Rica?"
And he said yes.